Help, My Roommate Is Depressed: What You Can Do and When to Step Back

It’s not always obvious when someone is struggling with depression. You might think your roommate is just “going through something” or has simply been in a bad mood for a while. However, depression is more than occasional sadness and diagnosing depression is something only a mental health professional can do. That said, experts suggest watching for certain behaviors and patterns that may signal a depressive disorder. Recognizing these signs can help you better understand what your roommate might be experiencing and determine how to respond appropriately.

• Sleeping excessively or struggling with insomnia
• Social withdrawal and isolation
• Loss of interest in hobbies or activities they once enjoyed
• Neglecting hygiene or basic self-care (e.g., not showering, not brushing teeth)
• Missing obligations like work or class
• Low energy and lack of motivation
• Impulsive behaviors (e.g., excessive drinking or risky actions)
• Changes in eating habits (overeating, undereating, or relying solely on takeout)
• Substance use or risky coping mechanisms

According to Dr. Mosaliganti, it’s important to remember that depression doesn’t look the same for everyone. For example, some students may neglect schoolwork, while others may hyper-focus on it as a distraction. If you observe these signs, it might be time to check in with your roommate.

When approaching a roommate who may be struggling with depression, it’s natural to feel like you’re walking on eggshells, worrying about saying the wrong thing. Dr. Mosaliganti advises keeping it simple and starting with: “Hey, are you okay?” This gentle question can open the door for conversation.

Depending on your comfort level and relationship, offering a listening ear can make a significant difference. If you do offer to listen, do so without judgment or minimizing their feelings. Avoid using shaming or accusatory language, such as pointing out how their behavior inconveniences you, and steer clear of “should” statements like, “You should just go out more.” Instead, let them know about campus counseling services, which are available to all students.

Dr. Mosaliganti suggests normalizing seeking help by sharing that others—without identifying them—have benefited from these resources. If your roommate displays more concerning behaviors, such as self-harm or suicidal gestures, or if you feel out of your depth, don’t hesitate to reach out to your Residential Advisor (RA) for support. Dr. Mosaliganti stresses, “As college students, you are not trained therapists, and even if you were, it’s not healthy for a person to adopt the role of ‘therapist’ toward their housemate. It’s okay to step back and ask for help.”

It’s important to choose the right time and place for these conversations since timing can make all the difference. Make sure it’s a calm, distraction-free moment when you both have time to talk. LPC Curtis advises avoiding any rush or pressure—if your roommate isn’t ready to open up, let them know you’re there whenever they feel ready to talk.

As college students, you are not trained therapists, and even if you were, it’s not healthy for a person to adopt the role of ‘therapist’ toward their housemate. It’s okay to step back and ask for help.

Both experts agree on the importance of “I” statements to avoid sounding blaming or accusatory. Curtis suggests saying things like, “I care about you and want to make sure you’re okay,” which can encourage open communication rather than defensiveness. Be patient and listen without judgment. “You must be ready to listen to listen, not listen to talk,” Curtis explains, emphasizing that you’re not there to fix the situation. Allow your roommate to share as much—or as little—as they feel comfortable with and avoid dismissive phrases like “you’ll be fine” or “just think positive,” which can make them feel isolated.

Allow your roommate to share as much—or as little—as they feel comfortable with and avoid dismissive phrases like “you’ll be fine” or “just think positive,” which can make them feel isolated.

If your roommate isn’t ready to open up, respect their boundaries. Curtis recommends checking in periodically with open-ended questions like, “How have you been feeling lately?” This ongoing support reassures them you’re there when they’re ready. You can gently suggest professional help—every college has counseling services—but do so sensitively and without pressure.

While you can offer emotional support, remember that you’re not a therapist. Both experts encourage normalizing professional help and sharing information about resources available on campus, such as counseling services or support groups.

If your roommate seems hesitant, Curtis recommends gently suggesting options like:

• “I’ve heard our counseling center has free services—maybe it’s worth checking out?”
• “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Talking to someone really helped me when I was struggling.”

If appropriate, offer to help them research resources, or accompany them to their first appointment for support. However, respect their boundaries and recognize that seeking help is ultimately their decision.

Living with a depressed roommate can be emotionally draining. You may feel helpless or even take on their stress, which can affect your own well-being. Both experts stress the importance of boundaries and self-care.

1. Set Clear Boundaries

Communicate openly about your needs. For example, if your roommate’s mess or energy is overwhelming, politely request changes without being accusatory. As Dr. Mosaliganti notes, it’s okay to ask for what you need: “This is your home too, and you matter.”

2. Prioritize Self-Care

Take care of your own mental and physical health through daily habits:

• Maintain routines like exercise, sleep, activities, and healthy eating.
• Create a personal space within your dorm that feels soothing—add cozy blankets, photos, music, or candles.
• Use healthy distractions like books, crafts, or puzzles to recharge.

3. Lean on Your Support System

Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about your experience. It’s okay to share your feelings without violating your roommate’s privacy.

4. Spend Time Outside Your Dorm

If you feel overwhelmed, spend time in other spaces like the library, a café, or a friend’s room. Staying active in social and extracurricular activities can also help you maintain balance and joy.

If your roommate shows concerning signs such as self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or violent behavior, don’t hesitate to involve others. Dr. Mosaliganti advises connecting with your RA or campus support staff immediately—they are trained to handle these situations safely and appropriately.

For emergencies or mental health crisis, call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, to reach trained crisis counselors who can help with suicide and mental health crises or call 911.